Break time.

Oh, Winter Break. Four weeks of nothing to do. I dream of this time throughout the semester, imagining the bliss of waking up without it being precipitated by an alarm or just a quiet afternoon on the porch, bundled up with a book in my hand. The plans, the amount of things to be accomplished, aided by the fact that my bullshit schedule won't allow time for a job until around April. It is so...free. Then comes the first day.

This first day is different than it has been in the past couple of years. My first year of college, I got a job shortly after the end of the first semester-during which I had collapsed a lung, quit a job, moved back into my parents' house and basically revised my entire life in a week. My second and third years, I went home to Southern Vermont as soon as I was able. The ultimate goal. Home, old friends, Christmas Dinner and love. This was during my time at Castleton, when the dream amongst myself and my closest friends was to eat Mom's cooking and get drunk with Dad. This year...not so much.

Last week I spent in Castleton, visiting a few old friends and mostly just indulging myself in the memories of two incredible years spent in such a uniquely welcoming place. Throughout that time I visited my fruit fly, and even posted a blog about her. She left from Albany to go home to her parents' this morning, leaving me to my first honestly free day of break. Today is the first entirely unplanned day that I have had since August. And reality is sinking in.

Oh shit, I don't have a job. Dude, I've barely practiced in weeks, how can I possibly consider getting a performance or composition Master's degree if I can't get into a PhD program right away? I've gained 8 pounds this week! (Okay all of this is true, but the eight pounds can be explained by the fact that I have not indulged in Central Vermont cuisine since May, and have been smoking rabid amounts of pot since the semester ended.)

So now I am entering this break the same way I have entered Winter Break the past few years: with guilt.  I get high too much, I drink too much lately, I'm gaining weight, I could have done better than my 3.95 GPA.  (I got an A- in Keyboard Harmony, which was the only thing keeping me from a 4.0.) (Oh, and that may have been a run-down of this semester, but it is almost exactly the same as my first semester at Castleton.)

After the guilt comes work.  Once the guilt fades even slightly, it lets reality in.  And the reality is that, like every other music major that is freaking out this week over what they are failing miserably at, I am human. I skip weeks of practicing, I overindulge and occasionally, I lose my mind. Once that is noticed, then comes the work to not only atone for whatever damage I may have caused during this, but also to set myself back in balance with my life. I practice enough to nail the placement auditions and to conquer a major work or two (hehe right), I research the beginning of a thesis for my PhD entrance requirements and I start running again.

Or at least that's the plan in about a week when I get over this bullshit.  :)