Yesterday

I woke up with a migraine and eventually made it to work.

After work, I waited in line for an hour at Social Security for a new card.

Then I brought my college's tuba back.

Then Brian and I cleaned and unpacked the apartment.

Then he took me to dinner.

After dinner we went out for drinks.


And it was the best birthday ever. <3

Wicked

Oh mah gawd! See it. Just friggen see it. You won't be disappointed. Brian and I went the other night and it was incredible. And the sad part is that there really is no way to communicate just how good it was. It's something that you need to see for yourself. So..get on that. K thanks.

Apparently my boss heard some 'eh' reviews by friends of hers. I think they went to the wrong theatre and saw Phantom of the Opera or something instead.

So my grades finally came in yesterday afternoon. 4.0 for the semester, all A's! 3.97 cumulative GPA giving me an easy Summa Cum Laude honors line on my degree. Now to apply for grad school. Uggggggh that sounds painful.

Today I get my New York State driver's license. Wish me luck. Goin' down to tha ghettoooooO!

That's all I feel like writing. I need to go update OutVoiced Albany, too.

Bye bye.

Grades

OMG OMG OMG I'M SUCH A GRADE WHORE!! And this is the semester that decides which level of honors I get. If I get all As or A-'s, I get Summa Cum Laude, highest honors. If I get a B, I could be at Magna Cum Laude, or medium high honors. Another way to say that is pissed. And grades came out today. But I promised Brian I wouldn't check them because if I get that B, I'm going to be in a terrible mood and in need of super hard drugs to stay sane.

And we're seeing Wicked tonight, which is something I'm not ruining. Just not. But holy crap, it's hard not to check my grades.

One good thing is that I didn't have to play a jury this semester. One bad thing is that I accomplished this by smashing my face up. The same day that I posted about playing on the radio (I haven't been able to post anything since, I've been soooo friggen busy!), my mom visited. She picked me up from the library where I work and as we were walking from the 3rd floor to the 2nd, where my office is, I fell down the stairs.

Yeah I'm awesome. So I twisted my ankle, which caused the fall. Then I landed on my left knee and twisted that, spraining both of those parts in the process. Then, the worst part, I landed on the railing, which is flat on top and rounded underneath. In other words, pointy...um, -ish. So I slammed my face, just under my bottom lip, into the square edge of the railing. At first I thought I just split my lip, which would have been bad enough. When I looked in the mirror, I had two holes in my gums under my bottom teeth. And a concert to play later, the John Rutter "Gloria". On tuba, the mouthpiece of which makes contact with the gums under your bottom teeth.

So I played the concert, turning the two holes almost into one in the process. Afterward, I went almost straight to the emergency room, where I received 4 stitches in my gums, good pain meds and orders not to play for a week. This was Friday; my jury was Tuesday. Oh shit.

So anyway, the music department took pity on me and didn't require me to make up my jury or play it that day, excusing me from it completely. An incomplete would cost $60 and not allow for any honors at all, meaning I would have played the jury anyway. And ripped the stitches out. And possibly be prevented from playing permanently.

I have some low range issues actually. The stitches closed up the part where the inside of my lip meets the gums just a bit, so I need to actually change how I play a bit to compensate.

In other news... Actually, no, if I write other news this will be way too long. So I'll write other news another time. There's plenty. But goodbye for now, Happy Monday!!!

Radio

I've now played on it. This morning, my tuba quartet (formed on Wednesday and currently nameless) played on a local favorite show hosted by Don Weeks on WGY in Schenectady, NY. We are all part of ITEA (International Tuba Euphonium Association) at The College of Saint Rose (CSR), which organized this year's (first in quite a while) Tuba Christmas in Albany. We played at the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at Empire State Plaza last Sunday and someone from the radio station was there and heard us. CSR ITEA's president, Greg Clark, got a call earlier this week that the station wanted 4 students from CSR to play on the show this morning. The rest of the story can be heard here. Needless to say, that was quite an experience.

On an unrelated note, you may notice that the link in my earlier post on here to my new blog, OutVoiced Albany, is no longer working. I've decided to take the blog down during the next week while I wrap up this semester. I enjoy writing about gay life and gay issues in Albany, but I'm too busy to really even be writing this right now, and 2 blogs is too much to handle at the moment. This morning was my 5th of 7 concerts this week, plus I have 2 papers, 3 finals and a jury to complete within the next week. Anyway, this blog wins because it has seniority.

The 6th of 7 performances is this evening at CSR, with the Masterworks Chorale. We're performing the John Rutter "Gloria" in 3 movements with the 80 person choir, brass octet, organ and percussion. And let me tell you, it is friggen epic! Wonderful piece with what is rumored to be one of the best (if not the best) brass/percussion groups ever at the College of Saint Rose.

My mom is coming tonight to see the concert and spend time with Brian and I afterward. So basically today is the day of great music, great friends and family, time spent having fun and scarves. It's cold.

And now it's time to go. Mom should be here soon. :)

Cold

Okay, so it's not really cold yet. It's not winter. And I live in Albany, which doesn't get a bad winter. But god damn is it chilly this morning! I have no idea what it's like outside, except cloudy I believe (the blinds are closed because there is stuff on my table [in front of the window] that the people on the street shouldn't see). But inside is just not warm. And the heat isn't making it warm. Maybe I'll go outside and get colder so that the comparison makes it better. Yeah okay, be right back.

Okay I'm back. So it turned out all I needed to do was close the door and take away the draft. I'm dumb.

In other news, I'm hungover. I don't like it. But Brian and I got to hear some great jazz at Justin's last night, the Robert Kopex Trio. The side effects of this were drinks, smokes and coming home for more drinks. So I'm hungover.

And it's SNOWING!!! :D :D :D I've been wanting some snow. I'm addicted to the change of seasons like a crackhead is addicted to your mom.

I really should get back to working on my essay now, but this has been a great procrastination effort. K bye now.

Blog(s)

I have a new one. Not that this one is going anywhere, but a lot of my subject matter over the last few months (sparse as updates may have been) have outgrown the random thoughts that this started as. And honestly, A Toast to Toast is not the thing to make into a serious blog.

Instead, I am now fathering two blogs. The new one is called OutVoiced Albany and it centers around Brian and I. The first post was originally written here. You can find OutVoiced Albany at out-voiced-albany.blogspot.com.

Of course, it isn't hard to see that New York losing out on gay marriage was the inspiration for branching off. All of a sudden, things got much more serious. As I said yesterday, I am torn between wanting to just move somewhere else that is more accepting, or staying here and fighting for the acceptance that I can see every day is all over Albany. And most likely all over New York State just waiting for our leaders to catch up. My choice, at least for now until I have the option to move somewhere else, is to stay and do my part.

[Also, yes, I do see the irony in my earlier post being called "Progress" yesterday, hours before NY chose not to progress. I don't want to talk about it.]

However, there is very little I can do. As I bitch about all the time in this blog, I have very little free time. So this is my way of doing what little I can. I can't organize, join a committee or really even attend any protests. What I can do is sit at my desk at work and write.

So much of the serious conversations about gay rights and gay experiences and being a gay couple in Albany will move there. The lighter stuff will stay here. As well as the political stuff that doesn't involve this issue. It will go back to being a toast to toast instead of a toast to Brian and I.

But Brian and I still like toast and are sticking around. :) And please, join us anytime at out-voiced-albany.blogspot.com!

New York...

...just failed to pass gay marriage into law. I'm still very upset, which is usually not the best time to write about something publicly. But I had to say something, even if it comes at a time just after I've turned off the lights to my office to cry in peace. (Current Facebook status: Jay is going downtown to find a senator and kick the crap out of him.)

Basically, fuck New York State.

And I am taking steps to actively do just that. Just this afternoon, I had finally filled out and printed my application to get a NYS drivers license. That would mean turning in my Vermont license, and my VT residency, something that I was very eager to do. Within 2 minutes of hearing the news, I put my application through the paper shredder.

How bad is it that IOWA is doing a better job with equality than New York is?

In all honesty, I am not used to being explicitly labeled second class. I am a gay white male who has rarely experienced homophobia. Even living in the mountains of Vermont, in a tiny, redneck town, I had a lot of big, redneck friends who had absolutely no problem with my sexual orientation. Everyone in my brass quintet is a (very) straight, masculine guy and every one of them accept me and my relationship.

I haven't been with Brian very long. But it's perfectly clear that we are headed toward a lifelong commitment. And that much has been clear since days into our relationship. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be married. An even more encouraging fact is that we both talk about it, but I know neither of us will propose for quite a while. This is because we want a firm foundation before taking that plunge. And we've tended to move very fast with each other, but to be very comfortable in doing so.

This is a plan that would work well in any relationship, gay or straight. The difference is that for gays, we don't have the same possible legitimacy in our relationships, even though our relationships are just as valid as straight ones. The gay divorce rate is a bit lower than the straight divorce rate if I remember correctly (I'm not looking this up right now, do it yourself and make up your own mind).

And that's just it. How can people bother "protecting" an institution that isn't even halfway successful? Over half of marriages end in divorce. It is not a sacred institution. And furthermore, it never was. The definition of marriage has changed completely over the centuries, but it has always remained one thing consistently: a legal contract.

And do we really want the original version of marriage back? In the beginning, it was a contract that identified a woman as a man's property. In the early days of this country, then in the middle days, and then into the late days, it was only for people of the same race. Personally, I prefer the 'radical' form of marriage that we have today.

I just want to see it be available for everyone.

So what are we going to do? Well, in the meantime, I'm going to pout. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry with Brian. I've already refused to become a resident of this state. Later I'm going to walk to the Capitol and stand in front giving it the finger(s) for a good 5-10 minutes. And I want to move.

Eventually I'll join the fight to try again, if there is any shot of trying again. I suppose it could be done through the courts, but all those hicks throughout upstate would probably vote it down again.

And now...

ADVICE FOR GAYS: Once again, come the fuck out of the closet. That's the best chance we have of being granted equal rights. As I've demonstrated throughout my life, if you show people what gay people are really like, they will support you. I am in a *fully* out gay couple and we rarely experience any backlash or bigotry. We are explicitly or implicitly supported almost everywhere we go. And if more of you joined us, things would be better for all of us. Get out there. Now.

Progress

I'd like to think I'm making some. Wow, I actually have quite a bit I can talk about today. I'll try to keep it shorter.

Things are getting rough overall. It's right at the end of the semester, so there is a TON to do. And I keep forgetting most of it. I have essays, concert reviews, finals, a jury and a portfolio due within the next couple of weeks. Also, between the 5th and the 12th I have 6 performances on top of that stuff. And one essay is for Gay and Lesbian Literature, which I'm (ironically) not doing so well in. My last essay was a B-/C+. That's not a bad grade really, but I need A's. Period. I just need everything on my grade sheet to be an A. If that happens, I graduate Summa Cum Laude. If not, I graduate Magna.

Morning cuddles with Brian are going well though.

My quintet played last night at a gig called Frosty Fest, hosted by MENC at St Rose. It wasn't our best performance by far. Probably closer to our worst since our new trumpet player, Michael Dietlein, joined the group a couple of months ago. I know that I personally was having a very off night. It's good that I can decry a performance so intensely though, because it's another sign that my quintet has risen to a level where only a high performance level is acceptable.

At least I got to go out with Brian the other night. We go to De John's, a bar on Lark St right near our apartment. It's a straight bar. We're not straight. Nor do we pretend to be or hide our relationship. They LOVE us there though. They're very supportive and friendly, and we've become regulars. (Honestly, I think I may have written about them before, but I can't remember so I'm shamelessly plugging them again. Deal.) Of course, sometimes other gays come in and act all A-List when they see us. But ya can't out A-list the A+ now can you?

What did that mean? Either way, these gays tend to be skinny with perfect hair and made up faces, designer everything and an arrogance that would rival Kanye's. Then they clearly feel threatened or jealous or even just uncomfortable in our presence. Brian and I's presence. Brian and I in our H&M clothes and Albany-cut hair. We fart to each other! And yet, the A-Gays act differently when they see us together. Maybe it's because they see a normal, accepted and impossibly loving couple. Maybe they wish they had that. Maybe they're just sluts who don't care about that. Maybe I'm just imagining things... :P

I just typed 30 seconds into the microwave instead of hitting the Quick Heat button. I disgust myself. That cost me at least 3 seconds of coffee-drinking.

I should go to Rep Class now and not fail.

Advice for gays: If you want people to demonstrate for gay marriage at the Capitol, maybe wait until they're firmly planning to bring it to debate before announcing a time, only to have it postponed. If nothing else, the right wing is fucking with you! It's easy: postpone the vote last minute as soon as the gays are going to demonstrate, then when it keeps happening, people will get frustrated and stop showing up. Then there will be fewer demonstrators when it's time for the actual debate. So wait it out, and once it starts, be there to greet them on the way out of the first round of debates. (Let's face it, there will be more than one.) But in all honestly, thank you, gays, for standing up for marriage at a time when I'm too busy to join you.

Gold

and Silver. Or, even better, Silver and Gold. Like the Silver and Gold Brass, a brass quintet based in Albany, NY. I've played tuba with them since March of this year. The quintet itself is about 2 years old. We play original arrangements and quintet standards at a variety of settings. I mean a variety: nursing homes, churches, clinics at local schools, Citifield (Mets stadium) in Queens, etc etc etc. I've always wanted to play in a really good brass quintet and I finally do.

We've been developing within the last couple of months at an incredible pace. We have this great core sound now that I've never heard in a group that involved me. We played at the senior recital of one of the members a week ago and came out with wonderful recordings. You can hear them at www.myspace.com/silverandgoldbrass . The recital recordings are the top 2 on the list: Prelude to a Kiss and Grand Valley Fanfare.

In other news, Thanksgiving was fun. I had a better time than I probably ever have at Thanksgiving with my family. I credit Brian for this. I know how cheesy that sounds. But it was really nice to see my family and friends and be able to brag endlessly about how awesome life is. And just as nice, there was no hella gay "I'm thankful for..." dinner conversation. We did say Grace though. It was a bit awkward. Why am I so much better at sitting in a church pew through a Catholic Easter mass and so bad at holding hands with my family while my oldest brother thanks the Lord for our food?

The only thing missing from the Thanksgiving that Brian improved was Brian himself. He was in Oneonta with his family. I'm actually leaving in about 40 minutes to get on a bus going there. :) It's nice. Really old school, too! I can't wait to roll up to the station and see my love outside waiting for me. <3

I really want a beagle. There was just a news segment about one getting abused and now I want to save it and every other beagle in the world.

I really enjoy not having a car. What a totally different take on the world! Wednesday I rented a car using my College of Saint Rose staff discount. When I returned from Vermont, I took a bus to Crossgates Mall and met up with a friend. Then took a bus back and walked later that night. So just recently, I've re-experienced having a car as a transportation resource, and I didn't like it as much. I hate having to park and get gas and deal with city driving.

Okay I should start getting ready. I have a bus to catch. Then tomorrow we come back from my love's family and I go to rehearsal with my quintet. There is a lot to be thankful for!

Thanksgiving

I've decided to write this post now, rather than later in the week because I have internet now. But not so much as of tomorrow.

Well on my phone I'll still have it. But anyone who blogs from their phone is making a huge mistake.

Anyway, I'm finally having a year that has given me much to be thankful for. I'm thankful that the play is over, and that it went well. I'm thankful for my new-found hobby/skill in acting, and for the theatre companies that I am already with that will give me much more experience. I'm incredibly thankful to be playing in a brass quintet with very professional and fun people, and that it will be going places some day.

On a more serious note, I'm thankful to be able to spend Thanksgiving with my dad and brother, who almost didn't make it to then. My brother's lung collapsed a couple of months ago and my father battled lung cancer earlier this year. Both of them are doing well now. :)

More than anything, I am thankful for my partner, Brian. (We're still officially just boyfriends, but that word cannot do justice to our feelings for each other, especially in a post about thanks.) He came into my life 4 months ago and turned it around completely. I feel better about performing than I have for years, I've tried new things that I never thought I would and there is this new stability in my manner that wasn't there before. I wake up easily most mornings when before Brian I would barely drag myself out of bed. I have a future now, whereas I barely did before.

I think I'll wrap it up with that. I'll probably go on another rant about gay marriage soon. Or the evil of potatoes. Or whatever.

Happy Thanksgiving! :)

Commerce

I engage in it. To the tune of a new smartphone. Oh hells yes I am one of them now!

It all started earlier today. Brian and I were at Starbucks and planning to go grocery shopping immediately afterward. Then I tried to see a message i had sent. Ohhhh no you don't, Jay, my phone replied with body language. All of a sudden the touch screen on my LG Dare no longer responded to the touch. This is a problem for touch screens.

So long story short I was eligible for an early upgrade and now have a Droid. (I'm sorry, Apple. I love you and the iPhone.)

So now I can use this phone to increase my productivity this week!!!! Or destroy it.

Not that I have much of a chance. I have an Italian test Tuesday, four performances of the play, a duet with tuba and bassoon in Rep Class and two senior recitals over the weekend. I'm already exhausted just thinking about that. And also I'm pretty sure it's borderline impossible. Oh I forgot, my boss is away this week so extra hours at work, plus I'm in charge of ILL...ish.

I just went to Texts from Last Night on my phone. I think I'm done here.

Maine

I'm gay. And in a committed, loving relationship. Therefore, I must be a threat to your kids. After all, if they see just how much Brian and I truly love each other, they may realize that your own marriage is, to put it lightly, lacking.

I, of course, don't mean to stereotype conservatism, but let's not forget how many Republican "pro-family" Congressmen have been involved in gay sex scandals in the last few years, or mixed up with prostitutes, or anything else that is quite a bit more detrimental to family values than two men loving each other. (Or women. Shut up, feminists.)

So in other news, more life-ish news, the Semester from Hell now has a younger brother. I call this semester the Semester from Heck. I had honestly planned to take on a lighter load and manage my entire life better. Instead, I'm currently involved in the following activities:

- 9 classes
- 20 hours a week at the library
- acting in Cloud Nine at Saint Rose (Act I: Joshua, Act II: Martin)
- The Silver and Gold Brass Quintet
- CSR ITEA (College of Saint Rose chapter of the International Tuba Euphonium Association), Vice President
- Subbing on 2nd trombone in The Pajama Game
- Playing in a brass ensemble with the Masterworks Chorale on Rutter's Gloria
- Subbing in a community band next month
- Albany TubaChristmas, the first of its kind in my city in years
- Brian <3

I can't wait until grad school. People always say it's difficult, but seriously, it can't even match this. Unless I keep acting in fucking plays and get an assistantship and work 2 jobs at libraries and do the dual master's degree and FUUUUUUUUUCCK!

Okay, nevermind. Please, do pardon me while I get another cup of coffee..............Wow that's good coffee.

I really want to go away to the city for a weekend. Like I'm DYING to do so! But with Christmas coming up, and being short on January's rent (which I may be able to get by with because it's when I move in with Brian...so I can use that to get money from my mom hehe), it seems like a very very bad idea. Instead, Brian and I are taking a day trip to Oneonta this weekend so that I can meet his parents. We tried months ago, but I had a migraine that kept me in bed until 7 pm. We're making it a day trip though, because I need my sleep. At least some.

And now, back to work!

Advice for gays: Maybe it's time we started boycotting states with out tourism dollars...publicly. Because we tend to be childless in our relationships (even with adoption opportunities), we have more expendable income. And I know that we like to travel. So it's a thought...

Smallbs

That's a play on words. Albs is what some people, gay ones usually, like myself, call Albany. Smallbany is what dumb people call it.

One more point and I will get off of this topic. Albany is a small city. Yes. K so 95,000 people proves that. Easily. You need 150,000 to be a medium-sized city. But doesn't there seem to be this compulsive need to point out its size? (People who don't know or live in Albany don't answer.) Obviously, this is because it has the feel of a city larger than it is. Otherwise there would be no point in reminding ourselves that it's not a large city; it would just be understood.

In other words, move to Manhattan or shut the hell up. I, for one, plan to do both. :)

There is no heat in the office. It's broken or something. If this wasn't the best job I've ever had, I'd quit. I just sent a request without double checking it because it was in German and started with an M. This is what cold does to you: vindictive borrowing requests.

I keep having these end of the world dreams. Like the other night I dreamed that there were all these firemen running through boiling water in the streets because the sun had gotten larger and warmed the planet. I think this stems from a powerful desire to see the movie 2012.

Brian and I went to Ballston Spa antiquing on Saturday. We both love antiques and have always had our own interest in them. His main interest is coins, mine is clocks. If this isn't proof enough of a gay gene (or fate), I'd certainly like to see the real evidence.

Time to keep being cold. Bubbye.

Advice for gays: Just like Howard Dean, you can also be fucked by condenser microphones (not like that, put it down) that limit background noise. Remember this next time our march is televised on C-Span. Some of you sounded friggen angry.

Celebrity

I'm growing mine. Two months ago I became part of what is arguably Albany, NY's most out gay couple. This is not at all hard to do in a town that is often referred to as "Smallbany". While I would never call the city that, I must admit it is certainly not a large city, and people often are not that brave here.

But I don't consider it bravery. No one cares about sexuality here. People seem very supportive of Brian and I. We theorized the other night that people truly want to support gay couples, especially in the democratic capital of a state that is considering legalizing gay marriage. The only thing is, they have no one to support. You don't see two people of the same sex walking around holding hands, giving each other little touches or even admitting relationships in this area.

On Saturday, we took it to a whole new level. I wouldn't call what we did PDA, but PDA would have given us the only possible opportunity to be more obvious as a couple. We held hands, kissed publicly and often had our arms wrapped around each other at LarkFest, an annual music festival in Center Square.

Obviously, we were the only gay couple at LarkFest that we (or anyone I know) saw doing anything like that. And that would have been perfectly fine and understandable. But later that night we went to a gay bar on Lark Street, and were still the only people that were showing any affection to each other.

Therefore, if we haven't achieved some notoriety as a couple in Albany, we're on our way to doing so.

Another high profile activity of mine recently was playing at a New York Mets game yesterday with my quintet, the Silver and Gold Brass. We played in front of Citi Field as fans were arriving. Then the group was given 10 tickets to see the game. I'm not a huge baseball fan, but oh my god the seats we had!! 12th row behind the third base line. (The tickets would have cost $180 apiece, which means that the group was basically paid $1800 for playing. Another way to look at it is that each member made $360 an hour.)

So that was my weekend. Gay celebrity and the feeling of musical celebrity. Now a gay rehearsal and I'm home! And by home I mean Brian's apartment because yeah....I like Brian's apartment. :P

Okay time to get back to work, which at this moment means chatting with Bean. PEACE! <3

Wrinkles

I'm of the persuasion that smiling can give you more of them. Or make them develop faster. But I'm also in the camp that says the development of wrinkles through smiling is perfectly okay.

(^I don't know why it's doing that, but typing this is easier than typing that over.)

Even if permanent wrinkles don't develop as quickly, the crow's feet in the corners of the eyes while smiling are usually much deeper on those who tend to smile more. But once again, it's fine, because you look better more consistently throughout your life when your face ages through the influence of smiles over frowns. (And I think we all know of those who age through frowns, and can think of a few of those faces off the top of our heads. And it's not a nice image.)

So basically, my wrinkles are getting deeper since July 22nd.

I really love Amaretto liqueur, but the first few sips of my current glass of DiSoronno tasted like cough syrup. And like cough syrup, it does fun things to my head.

On my way from the kitchen with this drink, I thought up a witty comment on a fun subject, but I forgot what it was in the course of writing what's above.

Someone just hoaxed Ben Affleck's death on Facebook. Or maybe it wasn't a hoax. Maybe I'm hoaxing his death right now. Maybe this will spread everywhere and A Toast to Toast will be on CNN because I'm a PAPARAZZI!!!!

Speaking of which, I love me some Lady Gaga.

In other news, Brian and I had a wonderful trip to the lake. Wonderful meaning absolutely incredible. And absolutely incredible meaning that heaven itself has nothing on Lake Seymour and Brian McKenna. Here's a picture:

In still other news, college is the land of stereotypes this semester. For my lib ed and elective classes, I have Jazz History with a rambling but very knowledgeable jazz pianist who drops name after name, uses terms that the half of the class who aren't music majors won't possibly understand and can't follow chronological order for more than 2 sentences, Italian with an actual (somewhat unstable) Italian lady and Gay and Lesbian Literature with a very gay male professor who also runs the drama department and seems to truly respect the barely relevant things that I say, even when I'm pulling answers out of my ass without even paying attention to the rest of the discussion.

And just like the ridiculously dumb kid in my Bio class over the summer, a kid in my Italian class actually asked what the Italian word for 'pizza' was the other day. I'll give you a minute to digest that.

Impossible, right? Come se dice retard?

Advice for gays: I'm with you now. Let Brian and I handle the convincing everyone that gay marriage is awesome. The rest of you get busy fundraising. We don't work cheap.

Resumption

Helloooo! My lord, it's been a while, has it not? I've probably lost all of my readership at this point, and I will miss all 6 of you.

Fortunately, the reason for this break is still there to keep me from posting, and for this I love him. Not because I hate writing my blog, but mostly because I sincerely am in love with him. That feeling is as delicious as a strawberry dipped in chocolate. (Trust me.)

Brian and I are going to the lake this weekend actually. "The lake" is a beautiful lake in the Northeast Kingdom in Vermont called Seymour Lake, on which my parents have a camp. I've only brought one boyfriend here, and it was only overnight. And like all the other events in that relationship, it was quite unpleasant. So needless to say, I'm incredibly excited to be going this weekend.

40439

^That's what happens when I don't switch to the correct window before scanning a book.

Yeah, so I'm at the library. Summer is over, which is actually not a bad deal. The 2nd half of it was blissful, the 1st was okay. So overall, not a bad summer. But frankly, I want to be done with college. And I'm looking forward to next summer more than I have for years. (I'm looking forward to every season for the first time in years.)

But holy crap, what a shitty first week I'm having!! I have a ton to do and everything has to be done around a certain time and it's not really going to work without radically changing the time of things like my second shift at the library. But whatever, I'm going to be sipping cosmos and mudslides on northern lake beach in front of a campfire after a gorgeous sunset with a beautiful and amazing boy this weekend.

And you're not. I feel so much better.

Sexting

God I've gotten boring. I even feel bad just adding a new post because it will probably only prove how far downhill this thing has gone.

I believe it may be back soon, though. For the past couple of weeks I've been working at Staples instead of the library, and Staples gives me much less of an opportunity to update my blog. But next week my hours go back up at the library, so things will get much easier.

In other news, I've also been taken away from this blog (and everything else in my life other than obligations) by my boyfriend. But it's a wonderful trade-off, so that's okay.

I encourage you, if you're (unfortunately) getting a first impression of this collection of inane writings, to go back and get more than a first impression, because the inanity gets ever more powerful as I become less boring.

But in other news, I just saw a featured blog with a picture of this weird bug that was in my shower this morning. Apparently (according to my roommate's very trustworthy boyfriend), it was an indoor centipede, or some other similarly-named centipede. I did not eat it. I did, however, accidentally kill it.

...i always put bugs outside instead of killing them dont judge me...

I'm going to bed now. Good night.

Advice for gays: Tell your partner 'good night' every night before sleeping, even if he has to remind you because you're a dumbass. This will keep him happy. And really, that's what you want.

Title

So I've just been way too busy with school/work/playing/etc to post lately. For this, I apologize (though I vaguely remember posting earlier that this would happen). As it is now, I'm on my way out for much-needed drinks with my boyfriend. So I'm going to just leave it at that gotta go bye.

Advice for gays: Something something something you suck I don't have time for this.

Cellular respiration

In addition to being on my final exam tomorrow, it's also helping me study at the moment. Cellular respiration is the process of turning glucose into energy. First, in the cytoplasm, chemical bonds are broken in a process called Glycolosis. The glucose is then prepared for further breaking down in the transition reaction phase. Then, in the mitochondria, something called the citric acid cycle occurs, before finally the process is completed using the electron transport chain, which gives off the most energy. The brain uses 30% of the product of this process.

This means that in order for your brain to function at its best, you should supply it with carbs. I've supplied so many carbs into my brain tonight that my stomach wants to throw up. So this shit better work.

At least this class is almost over. Now I can go back to regularly updating my blog while really saying nothing.

Earlier I almost was involved in a 4-car accident, caused by two pedestrians who never mastered the fine art of crossing the street. Then, after work, I went to the Plaza with my loverly boyfriend and gazed at the city...and him. Dude I love Albany. :D

Speaking of which, he turned 28 yesterday. And he looks younger than your honor student!!

That made no sense but really, he looks 17.

I need to go back to studying now. Almost doneee!!!!!

Overload

I don't need to hear about how my refridgerator is doing, or about how I smoke too much weed, or about the environment, economy, my own pay, summer tuition or anything of the sort. I have enough to worry about. At the moment, I don't need a broken scanner at work, a disapproving mother or lack of effort and teamwork within my brass quintet. If you have no key, don't lock the door. I don't need to think about the final I have Thursday or the need to sell my bass or the fact that I can't afford college. And the last thing I need is to hear about all of the things I'm doing wrong.

That said, things are still going much better than they have for the past year. My quintet sounds good for the first time in months, and we're playing (and self-promoting shamelessly) at a baseball game in Troy tonight. I played (semi-successfully) in one of my favorite musicals over the weekend--though to be honest, I'll be thrilled when that's done too. My roommate is cool, my boyfriend and I shared our first Jay-cooked meal last night and I'm doing better in my summer class than I had previously thought.

So often my life is entirely consumed with keeping its own balance. And 99% of the time, I fail miserably in this respect. This is one of those times at the moment. And once again, I can't keep the balance. It wears on you.

There is no interesting social commentary in this post. No morals or lessons. Nothing like that. I'm tired and you need to leave me alone. Thanks bye.

Contentment

...is a warm puppy that you wake up next to.

Frustration is what happens when no matter how hard you try, you still fall short.

Relief is when you realize that you don't have to be hurt and look for that needle in a very gay, buttfucking, slutty haystack anymore.

Love is what happens when you realize that even your clinical depression is no match for the smiles that can one person can give you.

Failure is what happens when you get too into those smiles and forget to actually function.

Boredom is the time at work between texts.

Betrayal is when jealous people try to ruin your happiness because they have none of their own.

Coincidence doesn't exist.

Fate is when the one you love is as dorky as you.

Anger starts when you see people acting like little bitches to each other.

Dreams come true. But rarely.

Moments really must be seized. Every person only gets so many.

Work is just a way to keep yourself alive until your next smile.

Books can only impart so much. Go outside.

The past is only the thing that brought you to where you are. It doesn't exist. It's over. The only thing that is real is now and tomorrow.

Impossiblities

We can cross finding someone off that list. Unfortunately, it seems we can now add balancing life. I have way too much going on at the moment, with an exam in Biology tomorrow, a presentation (that involves me playing tuba) on Thursday, a brass quintet gig, six performances of a musical and my boyfriend. Oh, and composing my boyfriend's birthday present. I'm basically completely out of time to do anything, and I'm getting a bit worried.

And that's just it. We both want success in our lives, and success for each other. But (and I won't speak for him) I'm getting perilously close to absolute failure. And that's not good. There's a piece of the Carnegie mansion at an architectural salvage yard that we have our eye on.

I admit, we'll both be fine, but it really brings to light the dangers that can be present in everything being fine. In addition, I realize how ridiculous it is to be complaining about having no time to even get the bare minimum done but posting a blog instead of actually working on it. Well I needed to vent. Shut up.

God there's so much else to talk about. For now I'll just say that if you get a chance, visit Cohoes, NY. Sooo beautiful and impressively historical. Gigantic old beautiful mill, locks from the Erie Canal, Cohoes Falls, it just keeps getting better every step. My only other piece of advice is not to drive back through Troy, unless you really like fat, ugly skanks who park in the middle of the road because they feel that getting knocked up allows them to, who then act like you're the asshole for wanting to drive down the street.

Okay back to it. Bye bye.

Advice for gays: Eat at PF Chang's. They love us there.

Bets

Every time you start seeing someone, it's like making one. Everything works out in a way that almost seems up to chance, but you still do everything you can to make it come out in your favor, whether this means praying...or trying to cheat. Of course, there's no way to cheat your way to success with someone else (especially when 'cheat' can be taken different ways).

So I think you can guess the latest events in my life. Which is good because I don't really like you enough to tell you.

The library is quiet today; I'm at the Circulation desk. Blahhhhhh and I have to go to my office in a bit anyway. And finish an arrangement for my quintet because I no longer do productive things at home.

I get more sick of police by the day. I haven't gotten pulled over or busted or anything like that. It's more just what you see on the streets and read in the papers. (So if you don't know what I'm talking about, read the paper. [If you're American, chances are you may need someone to read it to you.])

So my summer just got busier. In addition to that boy, I'm playing with the quintet, arranging for the quintet and playing trombone in a production of My Fair Lady. (I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank Shaun Bazylewicz of my quintet for lending me a trombone.) I actually pushed my start date at Staples back to accommodate My Fair Lady. That might not seem like such a great idea, because Staples pays. But I've been needing to do something different with music. So playing trombone in a musical should fulfill that.

Okay time to go do library work. Byeeeee!

Advice for gays: Be like Brian McKenna. Actually, don't. One is enough, especially when combined with the triumph I can wallow in knowing that I took that one away from you.

Bio Lab

I think I'm going to start using my biology lab time to devise ways to poison the class. Okay that's a bit too easy to get arrested by saying, with counter-terrorism and all. I will um.... make all of their lives unpleasant...and rather short.

Seriously, I think this course raising my blood pressure. There are like 3 cool people in total, including a freshman taking courses early, a pretty rad hippyish kid who works at Ben and Jerry's (at Lark and Jay Street!!!!) and this girl from Oklahoma. She's great, just from Oklahoma. Cattle country, Oklahoma. Her dad's a rancher. That's worse than just bible-thumping Oklahoma. But she's probably my favorite, nonetheless.

Side note: no one cares about your kids. This is especially true while in a college class (probably high school, too). Unless you're a very close friend of mine, I am not going to give two shits about your children. Probably not even one shit. And in class, I'm going to be very angry at you for basically wasting my money. I pay money to sit in class to better understand the material I have to learn in order to pass and get a job some day. So when you go on and on and on about your unfortunate offspring (Unfortunate means that if I have to hear this in class, I can only imagine what their lives are like.), you basically waste my class time, which wastes my money. So (whether in class or not) always remember: the only one who cares what Little Johnny did the other night is you. And Little Johnny.

Even saying Little Johnny just now annoyed the crap out of me. But it's perfect because it really brings out the mocking that this behavior brings on those who are guilty of it.

Okay I'll stop yelling at parents now. I'm not going to stop parking in the 'customer with child' spots at Price Chopper, though.

So as you can see, I've been in a science class all day, and am angry about it. Angry enough to stand there with my fists balled at my sides, with a scrunched up face saying "ooooooooo I'm sooooo angry!!!!"

I'm going to go do that now. Bye.

Birds

Yesterday some guy in my biology class said that birds can't breathe when they fly because "they're way up in the air." While the professor was trying to explain (and doing a very good job at covering his urge to just slap the guy), I said that was like saying that you can't breathe while running.

But really? Really?!? ...???!!!!!

I thought I went to a decent school until they let him in.

Blah blah blah

I've been saying that compulsively lately. Not as a statement or anything, just kind of saying it randomly. More like singing it even. Ask my roommate, I'm a weirdo. Not quite as weird as her cat, Chitten, though:

What a weird cat. In all fairness, my dad's dog Koda is worse:

I would like to make it known that I did not see Harry Potter last night, nor do I plan to. I do, however, really want to post that picture of Daniel Radcliffe with his gigantic British penis flopping everywhere. But Blogger would probably kick me off, and the world would lose its toast to toast. So I'll include a posterior (fuck you, biology) picture instead:

So yeah, I'm really bored at work again. Lately I only seem to post from work. I think it's because I go home and do basically nothing all night. Then I get really lazy and when I think of writing something I fall asleep.

I just found a blog written by old ladies about young men's penises. I would post a link but I'm pretty sure I just stumbled onto a network of underground super cougars and I want to investigate this more before unleashing it to the world, or the six of you reading.

My fruit fly and I are telepathic. We can guess numbers between 1 and 10 over AIM and read the other person's thoughts and motivations. We're pretty much better than you and your fruit fly.

I could probably say other things, but there hasn't really been substance in this post yet and honestly, there's none on its way until the very end anyway, so I'm going to say good night. (I'm going to crawl into a cabinet and sleep now K BAI!!)

Advice for gays: There are too many of you at my college. Since it's summer vacation, it seems like a great time for half of you to leave. Gross and lame people first, thanks.

Circulation

NOT blood circulation. Take your biological words and leave! God damn I do NOT like science. Et al. Almost as much as it dislikes me.

Interlibrary loan has let me down. FOR THE LAST TIME! Kidding I'm not going to quit. (For those of you just tuning in, I work in interlibrary loan.) Actually, today I gained five more hours, but I'm working at the Circulation Desk instead. There is no supervisor yet. Technically, because of how my new hours are classified (permanent as opposed to temporary), I'm the supervisor. Except that it's my first hour and no one is here to train me.

So apparently Ireland just passed an anti-blasphemy law. I thought that was cute. 17th Century - 1, Rationalism - 0.

I'm looking at the cover of a Saint Rose Undergraduate Catalog right now (you know the books that the list all of the courses and policies and stuff). The cover consists of nine pictures showing scenes from around the campus. One picture is of the decorative columns of St. Joeseph Hall. My question: Who the hell cares about the columns? What a stupid picture. It is also from the academic year where I met my ex of all exes, who went to Saint Rose. I find that interesting. And a bit sad.

Sadness aside (that was quick), it's almost time for that guy to come in and train the crap out of me. But it's nice to have gotten an hour totally free. Now I smile. Bye bye.

Dismay

Sometimes you can write a blog entry filled with rules and plans while you're in a bad mood. Then you can break or almost break every single rule or plan you lay out in it. If you're the type of person this could happen to, I recommend not re-reading the first blog. Trust me, you'll be less compelled to write this one, which would be nice.

Evil

Best all-inclusive adjective for my personality. I'm so bitter and MEAN LOL i'll kick your ass!! For NO REASON BECAUSE I AM SOOOO EVIL!!!

In all seriousness, I'm not really evil, just consistently annoyed by people. Gay people most of all. I am not a huge fan of whining, so I just have trouble dealing with these people. "I got picked on as a kid!" "Life isn't entirely fair to me 100% of the time!" "I prove with my parades how different I am from everyone and yet I want equal rights!" It's really just becoming whining. And weird whining when you actually look at how dysfunctional gay relationships are. (I speak only for gay men on this one. I've never been a lesbian and don't have many lesbian friends so I really can't say.)

I just went through my AIM and deleted every gay person that I don't talk to. I'm not giving it out anymore. This is getting ridiculous. My list is like half as long now. Plus then there's the IMs that you get from people you don't know asking who you are. I think I need a fake AIM account. Like a "for gays only" account. Then I'll give all the gays that are already on my list the new account, and stop using it. See? Evil.

On a related note, I'm learning that as far as dating and sex is concerned, I'm still not ready for it. This break I'm on is wonderful. So little drama! I don't want it to end just yet. And my 21 minimum age limit? Yeah that's staying.

I want to clean my apartment and take pictures of it and broadcast them to the world because it's cute!!

Instead, I'll go home tonight and tan, do my laundry, maybe even go for a run. I don't know. I was going to hang out with someone but he's gay and today might not be the best idea for that. But I need something to do, so that will probably be it.

Lady Gaga needs to live on the radio station we play at work. Seriously, this classic rock has to go!

Advice for gays: If you have an opinion that is almost specific to the person you're talking to, and it denigrates and judges their lifestyle, regardless of how unhealthy that lifestyle may be, you should keep it to yourself. Because at that level, it becomes less opinion than insult or judgement. And the person you're talking to will probably just stop with all that.

Independence

...is equal to watching fireworks from a roof. Let me tell you, from the top of a 3 story building, you feel quite liberated while watching fireworks erupt over Empire State Plaza in Albany. Also, if you're afraid of heights, you feel terrified.

Roofs are just not good places for me. Ever. Unless it's one story up or something. I was basically in a fetal position the entire time clinging to the divider between two rooftops. But wow, what a show! They did the fake grand finale thing that I love so much, but over and over. It was seriously complete with drama and intrigue. Not bad for exploding things. 

About what I wrote (earlier today) yesterday with the whole feeling patriotic thing. I don't think I quite hit it on the head. I think I was just drunk or something. Idk. Whatever. I barely even remember what I wrote...as usual.

Maybe it's weird that I truly never remember what I write here. Maybe it's not. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.

I'm out of ideas. Happy 4th of July.

P.S. It's so shitty but this will be officially published on the 5th of July. So happy whatever of July baaah!

Summer

I think I'm losing it into a fog. In other news, happy Fourth of July. But not really because I haven't gone to bed yet from the 3rd.

I don't consider the day to actually change until I've gone to bed and woken up, regardless of what time it is. The only exception is the all-nighters I frequently pull.

This year, more than most others, I'm kinda feeling Independence Day. It's an enormous relief not to be horribly embarrassed every time the president speaks, and cringing at the thought of people from other nations tuning in. I went to Europe during this time, and if it wasn't for the fact that I was in a group of almost 50 people (strength in numbers), I would have ducked my head in shame or claimed to be from Toronto. I even got hit on at various times, which I just found ridiculous given the numbers of gorgeous people walking around due to men's much greater consciousness of their looks and presence, high use of walking and public transportation and vastly reduced (over American) portion sizes. 

It seems like even though the economy is still in the toilet (with an announcement just today...er, yesterday...that the unemployment rate has now *officially* reached 9.5 %, with uncounted numbers possibly bringing the true total to almost 20%), the wars are still going on, marijuana is still illegal, violence is still glorified while sex and nudity are demeaned as unnatural and dirty, our pollution is killing the planet and eventually threatening the human population, our water is still flouridated, etc etc etc, at least there have been some victories. 

Dude this decade is seriously turning into a really lame version of the sixties. No, I think we may have missed our opportunity for the sixties during Bush's reign and jumped straight to the seventies. Either way, civil rights are being fought for and won for the first time in quite a while. Gays have won the right to marry in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont and Maine. Maybe others. I don't remember. We have our first (half) black president (who's friggen gorgeous and haz a brane). 

Okay, I honestly don't know where that came from. I'm going to bed. Good night.

Advice for gays: Putting 69 as your age in an online profile isn't cute anymore. You guys really need to stop that.

Ominousity

Yes, the moon is yellow and eerie tonight. It was raining earlier, downpouring at times, but it's clear now. However, the remaining water vapor or something is still giving the night that pink effect, even if it's not totally in the clouds. The yellow moon being added to that just completes it so wonderfully. 

And this is why I loooove my new apartment. Well, that and so many more reasons. 

I'm taking a Human Biology class this summer. It began on Tuesday. Without even taking into account the fact that I still don't know how I'm going to pay for it, this is an exercise in disaster. Me and science do not mix. I can grasp concepts if they're related in the way that the subject is taught in elementary school. Add to that the fact that I'm cutting up animals, having to memorize vast amounts of barely pronounceable vocabulary words and using chemicals that will melt contact lenses and the seeds of doom have been planted. 

Now the moon has a thin cloud over it, so it looks really hazy. Seriously, can this get any better?!

...then there's that possibility that the strangeness in this night is actually an omen of what's to come in this class. Melted contacts and failure. But we won't think any more of that right now.

Advice for gays: Maybe, if you grabbed boobs a little less often, people would be less inclined to think it was a phase. Hahaha I kid of course. By all means grab every last boob available. With your soul.

Public Service Announcement

Apparently, nobody knows how to drive. So today, I think I'll take a moment and remind people of some important points to keep in mind while controlling a multi-thousand pound metal deathbox:

1. The speed limit, in theory, is the maximum speed allowed by the law, and anything under this speed, in theory, is legal unless otherwise posted. However, in practice, the speed limit acts more as a guideline of the minimum speed, generally with a 5-10 mph buffer above that before you'll get pulled over. With the exception of tractors, people should keep as close to the speed limit as possible, but make sure not to go too far below it. Such a thing is part of overly cautious driving, and generally creates headaches (at best). In other words, driving ten miles per hour below the speed limit is a bad idea. If for no other reason, it will get you a solid ass kicking. By me.

2. The appropriate time to enter a travelled lane of a road is either just after I go past you or before I go past you, but if you choose before, it is very important to keep our collision point in mind. This means that if I'm going 55 in a 55, and you pull out 10 feet in front of me, I have such a short amount of time to stop that I will probably collide with you. Hard. Hard enough to hurt. Perhaps hard enough to fuck your shit up. In other words, don't cut people off. I mentioned 55 as a speed that would not allow me enough time to stop if you pull out too close. At 35, I have a much better chance of stopping without hitting you, but I'll be almost as angry, and I'll still kick your ass.

3. The wheel in the sky keeps on turning. Normally, so do tires. However, the next rubbernecking weasel I see out for a quiet scenic drive when I'm running late for something may be surprised to find their tires suddenly stopping after being shot out by me. I'm buying a gun. Seriously, you people have pushed it too far. In other words, find the balance between looking up, seeing the pretty scenery and watching the road, with watching the road being the Number One priority.

4. Cops have the ability to pull you over at any time, for any offense, even if they are in the middle of a traffic stop already. However, from the other side of the highway, this is difficult. And no cop is paying attention to that. They're trying not to get creamed by the cars driving by at 70 and hoping not to get shot by the driver of the car they've pulled over. Or their dreaming of doughnuts. Either way, they have no idea that you're doing 68 in a 65. Or 99 in a 55. In other words, stop slamming on your brakes just because there is a cop with his lights on in the same county as you.

I hope this has been helpful. Many of you should probably just pretend you have your permit and drive with someone who knows what they're doing for a little while so you can learn how. And with that, good day.

Reaction.

  "I remember when he was black. Then he slowly became white! THEN HE BECAME ASIAN!!!"

-A very distraught friend of my roommate, on speaker phone.

Vegetable.

I'm seriously about to become one. I'm confronting mind-numbing, ass-constipating, coffee-enhancing boredom right now. I'm working at the library, which is usually such a nice part of my day. Today, however, there is nothinggg to do. I'm seriously getting up right now to go to the bathroom just to have something to entertain myself with.

Now I'm back from the bathroom. Shocker, but no new lending or borrowing requests have come in. Since most people couldn't imagine my superior job duties, I'll clarify: I still have nothing to do. Grrrface.

So Manhattan needs to happen. Not permanently (yet); I just need a visit. Just a weekend in my favorite American city. (Because let's face it, no other American city touches New York.)

OMG A BOOK CAME IN!! I AM NOW BLESSED WITH A TASK TO GIVE MY LIFE MEANING!! BRB!!!

So my boss has this OCD tick. On the program we use at work, you can refresh the screen to either see the next step in whatever process you're working on or new requests that are coming in. Now, it makes sense if you haven't done so in a while and you want to see new requests. But she refreshes after literally everything she does.

OCD ticks are something I'm very familiar with. I have many. But she makes everyone else do this, too. During the summer we're working on updating our instruction sheets and she actually adds into the instruction sheets every time she refreshes. It's part micromanagement, part dossier on her compulsion. And it's all wonderful. To be fair, that is the only example of micromanagement here, but it's a powerful one.

I just updated an address and the contact person's last name is Real. That guy gets so much ass due to that one fact.

I think that my summer policy of consuming to excess is going to catch up with me at some point. I'll let you know how that goes if I survive.

Have a good dayyy!

Advice for gays: If you are honestly, truly looking for a deep and committed relationship with an intelligent and caring person, try going to church instead of to bars. Or go to a community center. But no bars, no clubs and absolutely no Manhunt. [Note: This wouldn't change anything in the gay community. The bars will be just as full. Very few gays are really looking for that.]

U-Haul

Next year I may need a large one. Or an apartment full of new furniture. Because I'm moving, baby!

Or at least I think I am. I've gone beyond acceptable levels of crazy and something needs to change. Well okay, everything needs to change. And I think my behavior on almost every day of this past weekend proves my point. And no, I am not telling the stories from it here. They're too embarrassing even for my blog, which in a perfect world would be my greatest embarrassment.

Again I'd like to state that I really do like Albany. It's an interesting and attractive little city with a decent nightlife, some awesome people and great shopping. It has some diversity and overall is just an enjoyable place if you're not stuck up about where you live and choose to actually experience it instead of complaining about the fact that it's not Manhattan.

But I need some pretty astonishing change. Next year I graduate after five unfortunate years of college and I need to get away...far. I don't want to live in a place that's too familiar. And while it'd be nice to go with someone else, I couldn't in good conscience drag anyone along for this ride.

So my list of preferred cities (in order):

Manhattan (not Brooklyn, I'm going all in)
San Francisco
Portland, OR
Austin, TX
Toronto

All of these cities have my basic needs: lots of skyscrapers, environmentally friendly/mass transit and eclectic mixes of people. (If one of these doesn't fit your definition of any of those factors, I don't want to hear about it. This is my list.)

So we'll see. All I have left to do is find a job in one of these places, find an acceptable (i.e. nearly impossible) living situation, secure funding and all the rest of the stuff I forget every time I move.

I'll keep you posted. And if anyone out of the 3 of you know of any other awesome cities out there, let me know.

Advice for gays: Faux means fake, not awesome. This is an especially useful principle when the word 'hawk' follows the word 'faux'. And nothing against my heavier boys out there, but your weight is inversely proportional to the awesomeness of your faux hawk. It's just like not being able to wear aviators if your face doesn't work for it. There's nothing you can do, so comb it down and get some chin straps instead.

Sickness.

I haz it. I think I have either a bug or food poisoning. I really hope it's food poisoning because I kissed a boy and I liked it and I'm not all about passing on these kind of things. Plus, it will help with my 'I so very rarely get sick' routine. My throat is sore (which is usually just from lack of sleep, so I'm sticking with that), my whole body aches and I spent all morning voming every hour. And no, it's not fucking swine flu!

Rice Krispies are the only thing I eat when I'm sick. No toast, definitely no soup, just crispy bits of love and awesomeness wrapped in a cocoon of milk and just a bit more love. 

I'm addicted to Weeds. Not the substance, the TV show. Well yeah, the substance too. But seriously it's amazing and if you haven't seen it, you need to. And yesssss I know it's on its fifth season, but for real.

I have to work tomorrow so I better be healthy by then or it's your fault.

Grr.

>:-(

Impatience.

And hunger. The two reasons that this fucking document needs to get here. So this local university likes to say it's sent documents to other libraries (like the one I'm working in) before it actually has. This makes its turnover rate for lending seem very good. So the person waiting for the article has already called today. Then the university was supposed to be scanning it in and sending it right to us. This was an hour ago.

All I want to do is get some food. Seriously, is it too much to ask people to do their jobs so I can eat? Another thing, if this article is that crucial, why not drive the 5 miles to this university and copy the article?

Wow, was that what it took? Did I just totally stop caring about this customer? Am I getting food? I think after a few more minutes of finishing up the other tasks I have, the answer will be yes.

That's called decision making.

Advice for gays: To be blunt (and somewhat vulgar), you have two heads. Both are capable of controlling your actions. One head is much bigger than the other (don't lie, you know it is) and contains a fully formed brain, rather than glans and libido. This is the brain that you should use most of the time. Or, at the very least, before letting the little head do the thinking, you should consult the larger one. Just a thought, try it out.

Neighborhood Watch

I was just sitting on the balcony outside my bedroom in my new apartment, doing things that my landlord probably wouldn't approve of. Apparently she was across the street at another house she owns with her husband. As she walked back over, she waved and told me how much she liked the blue icicle Christmas lights that I hung around the ceiling somewhere around June 3rd.

Then I went back inside and I my apartment is amazing and has a freaking incredible roommate with an adorable cat. 

And it was so.

Evolution

I just updated my Facebook status twice. The first time was "Jay wants pizza". The second was "Jay is giving in. Hello, pizza." I got three 'likes' (which is Facebook speak for people who indicate that they 'like' your status) in all: two for the first one and one for the second. So more people commented their appreciation that I wanted the pizza than that I actually got it. I think this is a sign that Americans are beginning to appreciate restraint.

Yes, that's right. I wasted this whole post on wishful thinking.

Profundity

"Human life is basically defined by the stupid shit we do." A very wise person once said this. Me.

When you think about it, it's kind of true though. If you are a successful Wall Street broker, things are fine. You're making money, calling shots, kicking ass and taking names. Until you contribute to a worldwide recession. Then, suddenly, that's all anyone remembers.

If a priest gets caught in a molestation scandal, all of the great things he's done as a priest are irrelevant. No one cares anymore. All they know is the scandal.

Has it always been like this? Even after Napoleon's defeat, tyrannical approach and aspirations to empire, he was still hailed as a hero throughout Europe. Do you need to be at Napoleon's level to do that?

This works for all of us, in the eyes of basically anyone. There is someone from my home town to won't allow anything nice to be said about anyone who has wronged her. "Um, no, did you hear what [this person] fucking did to me?" (How familiar is that question? Ugh!) But it doesn't just apply to these little bitch fits, it applies to everything. So I'm thinking that may be a good definition for unconditional love: If you can see past these faults in a person, if they can do nothing to change how they look in your eyes, maybe you've found it.

This is what I think about when I'm at work.

Metamorphasis?

I think I need to take a break from writing about anything in my life. I mean granted, it's not going well. That is established. But above that, it seems as though I'm in a powerful and very painful transitional period. 

Now, I go through these all the time, usually like once a year. Typically they're gradual. No one notices. This time it seems to be using force. Like seriously, there are lethal weapons buried in this. 

If my normal transitions are labor contractions, I am currently crowning.

So now I think I'm just trying to do this as privately as possible. I've deleted my account at Gay.com, deactivated DList and removed all my information on the site that must be kept secret from straight people. In addition, I've deleted some people who seemed to be adding to the chaos from my life. One in particular, was removed quite a while ago, and of course tried to contact me just this morning, in the heart of a deep contraction. (That's not cool.) I will probably cut back my Facebook statuses and blog entries, which will mostly consist of political commentary or fart humor (or something else that's basically on that level). 

So that's basically it for now. I'll let you know when I'm back to my older style, probably by beginning a post "So I'm back." In the meantime, enjoy the stupid. Good night.

Advice for gays: Leave me alone. Thanks.

Syndication

Today I published my blog on my DList profile (DList is the gay Myspace, basically). I expect this move to double my readership. Oh that's right: soon there will be four of you.

In other gay news, I'm giving the series Queer as Folk another chance. It's difficult. I didn't get past the first episode last time, so I'm giving it a second chance. A longer one this time, to get used to it. The show's blunt at least, so that works.

I'm supposed to be job hunting today. I'm taking a mental health day instead. I totally don't even feel bad about that. 

Now it's later, because I restarted my browser but forgot to finish this. Okay, I'm done.

Defeat?

Though I have promised not to use this to rant on political subjects, I'm going to take a moment tonight to completely break that promise.

Today the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8, the constitutional amendment passed by voters last Election Day that bans gays and lesbians from marrying. Hopefully you already knew that. If not, stop reading this blog and turn on CNN, then read The Onion. Anyway, the court said (and I'm paraphrasing) that voters had the authority to amend the state's Constitution. And in order to find Prop 8 unconstitutional, there needed to be a law passed or an amendment added revoking the right of voters to alter the document.

So okay, fair's fair. They fought, they won; they were counter-attacked, they lost; they fought again, they lost. Really brings home the meaning of "you win some, you lose some". The political analysis in November was that Barack Obama's presence on the ballot increased the black voter turnout (duh), a group that is typically conservative in its regard toward homosexuality, giving supporters the victory. But seriously, this is the time of change. This has, for 8 long ass years, been a country that claims to be spreading freedom, equality and democracy around the globe. But then we restrict those things here. And while we're quite far from the barely industrializing nations of the world, or anywhere in the Middle East, we're falling behind other industrialized countries at an equal (or lesser) advantage than ours. (And not just in gay rights or other civil liberties, but it falls behind at least one other country in its treatment of prisoners, environmental impact, overall quality of life, sane drug laws, health care, education, treatment of the unemployment, violent crime, sexual crime, obesity, homeless population, and the list goes on.)

There are claims that the change in demographic for this vote impacts the validity of the vote itself. But let's face it, that doesn't matter. Our democracy is founded on the principal of majority rule, the majority of which comes from the population as a whole, but only if they choose to vote. Choosing to vote or not choosing to vote, choosing to stay home some years when you don't care and casting a vote when there is an doesn't change how you actually voted. It's something we have to accept. 

The only thing that really pisses me off is when you hear someone on NPR or another forum where people are trying to have an honest debate about the issue and the person that is speaking in the 'defense of marriage [sic] keeps referring to Christian beliefs as their reasoning for the legal eradication of it. Okay, listen: This. Is. America. You can't say that something is illegal because God says so. It's not allowed. That was in the first Constitution. Stop.

But there is hope. Advice for gays: The gay characters in Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist are awesome, very sweet and not all that stereotypical. One of them has his moments, but they're subtle. And they're basically just awesome and everyone wants to be them. So I think we should promote the DVD as heavily as possible in California, and really any state with a ballot initiative or an overwhelmingly large cattle farming community. Another idea is to draft a ballot initiative to repeal Proposition 8 and have a bunch of people from the Northeast (minus New Hampshire and Maine, Connecticut too because fuck Joe Lieberman) move to California in 2010-2011 to ensure its passage. Then after it passes, lobby the legislature to amend the constitution further to disallow voters from being able to alter it. Then we'll get the final say. 

Or just keep fighting.

Jobs

I haz one. I needz two. So today, I'm going job hunting. I'm not really setting my sights too high, which is one reason I'm waiting until almost 1pm to leave. The big reason is that I am applying to many restaurants, and want to wait until they're not busy to stop in. Filling out an application during the lunch rush isn't very nice, and won't help you get any jobs.

There are certain things that I won't talk about on my blog. This is one of them.

In other news, why is it that when I leave a place, cute boys move in? This is happening to basically every place I've lived in the last ten years. I move to Albany and Albany basically dries up. I swear, I could single-handedly kill the Manhattan gay scene. One boy in particular, who's very young but a close friend, is soon to move to Southern Vermont, about 5 minutes from where I lived. All I want to know is why this kid wasn't born 7 years earlier (or me 7 years later). And of course, moving to Dover at the same age :) (as me....). Instead, during that time I had a horrible and much older boyfriend, discreet hookups, make ou

t sessions (with basically everyone) and practically no sex. Now, at 27, I'm just not into hooking up anymore at all, and that's all that anyone wants. It's like when I born some higher power stamped 'Murphy's Law' on my soul and set it free. 

I don't think my age limit thing is working for me either. I wanted guys around my age when I was 19, my boyfriend was 37. Now, I still want guys around my age or older, early 20s at the youngest. Also, I want someone local, which in a city with a very large gay community should be relatively easy. (I think I've either dated or offended everyone here, though.) Either way, my best prospect at the moment is an 18 year old who is moving to 2 hours away (from somewhere along the lines of 6 hours away).

I think that, on that note, I should wrap this up. It's getting late in the day and I need to get out there (and get Starbucks). Peace!

Advice for gays: Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Many of you want the cow, but keep dishing out the milk in the meantime. My answer? No more free milk.

Upheaval.

So things, once again, aren't quite going the way I thought they would. This time the fault is entirely my own.

The sales job that I was just trained for is something I've changed my mind about. Calling my friends and loved ones to do practice appointments, going into people's homes to sell them stuff, this all just isn't for me. It's great money, you set your own hours and you can keep doing it when the semester begins. This is small comfort when you really just don't want to do it at all.

I'd feel like the Avon lady, only with sharp things. I'd rather just go into a job and be there until I leave and then I'm done. I know that doing a few appointments with people and getting much more money out of it would be better in general, in theory, but it's quite a ways outside of my comfort zone.

I still hope to work a job this summer that I haven't in the past. I'd like to wait tables or work in a cafe or something like that. (Not Starbucks, I'm not that much of a gay stereotype.)

This is the slowest day of work I think I've ever had since beginning this job. It's pretty nice. Add to that the fact that it's cloudy out and that I'm a bit tired and unenergetic and the result is this wonderful melancholy.

Well, back to work. Meaning I'm probably going to the Muddy Cup, then getting my last few paychecks, then some lunch. :)

Advice for gays: Stop working at Starbucks. It makes you a stereotype.

Google

Someone needs to use the Google search algorithm for a reliable map site. Seriously, someone! Hack Google!

All I'm saying is that they've been hella lame lately, with the Map section taking the biggest beating. Basically every time that I've tried to use it in the last month it's been broken about it. And it's search engine has died at least twice in the last six months. (Off the top of my head, don't yell at me for being wrong. Shh.)

And I've always been a HUGE fan of Google. And to be fair, I'll still say that they're easily the best site, but it's been kind of disappointing lately.

Boo!

Goals.

Um yeah, about that...

Tonight I realized that I have none.

This is a bit strange for me, as I've always been a somewhat driven person. Since about age 17, I've either worked full time or full time plus, gone to school full time or full time plus, or at one point, went to school and worked, both full time. Or, at other times, I've practiced a ton and done good things with music. 

Even now, I exhibit the appearance of being very driven. I have a 3.96 GPA, take over a dozen classes in some semesters, perform in groups off campus and professionally, and a job. And maybe two jobs next semester. 

This might sound like I'm bragging, but I'm not. I'm just saying that even with the effort and time that I put into everything, I have no goals. There is nothing that I really care about gaining out of it. And I just think it's weird.

I realized this tonight, during a training session at my new job. The manager said that he wanted to know what each of our goals were within the company privately. So I of course started planning my answer. "Well, advancement isn't a huge priority for me. Even though I will work very hard at my job, I am more focused on.........." And that's where the thought stopped. I thought of the other career opportunities that I wanted to have after college and realized that I wasn't really that into any of them anymore. 

So I'm in between goals. I wonder if this is okay or not. I guess I'll find out.

I guess, since I've been playing up the future in teaching thing (like mountain out of a molehill), I could always say that I would like to move up to management so that it looks good on a resume when going for my masters in education, but then they might actually do it, and I don't think I would like that very much.

On the plus side, there are some cute boys at my new job. I don't think I'll ever really see them again, but they're still cute nonetheless.

And on that note, I'm going to drink some wine and watch Sex and the City.

Good night.

Advice for gays: Almost all of you are getting progressively creepier. In the ten years since I've come out, gay men have gone in waves of creepiness. And for the last year or so, the rate of creepiness has risen significantly. And it needs to stop. Fucking creepers.

Commencement

...was today for Saint Rose, at SPAC. Jimmy Fallon received both his Bachelor of Arts and an honorary doctorate. And he spoke. Let's just say I was fine with him getting the degrees but his speaking was a bit much. Not as bit much as him getting the Late Show, but enough.

Graduations sicken me. Granted, I still wish I could go to Mere's, and I understand the point behind the whole ceremony to commemorate the completion of an educational program and all that, but they are just self-indulgent wastes. "But Jay, you'll feel so much differently next year when it's your own graduation LOL!!" No, I won't. I hated my high school graduation. I've hated every college graduation. And I'll hate my own graduation, too. 

I think the only part that truly bothers me on a deeply human level about the ceremony is that it's like the very last popularity contest. Some people get ridiculous amounts of cheering, others hardly any at all. Music majors, especially those in the band that's playing, are often immune to this. They always have the band to cheer for them. Not today. A trumpet player received many cheers from the Wind Ensemble and owned every second of it. A trombonist that people were much more lukewarm on (at best) barely received a peep. I could really only place the trend by limiting it to people I know, like the music majors, and it really seemed that you could record the sound, and the decibels would be identical to the truly honest responses from the group if you asked their opinion on the person. It was kind of saddening.

On a happy note, I was able to catch up on some reading.

And what the hell are all these people doing in front of my house?! It's a beautiful day, yes. It's Tulip Fest, we get it. Go away! I'm trying to enjoy some of the last of my porch time at this apartment. 

I seriously just went inside. It really is like a fair on the street. Oh well.

In other news, as of this morning, Jimmy Fallon still isn't funny. Just thought you should know. 

Peace.

Bam!

Got a new apartment today! Woot! My new roommate's name is Ally, and she seems hella chill and quite amazing. And the apartment, though not ideal, is so cute! And I get a balcony off my room in the front of the house! (In other words, this people watching blog might just happen.) It's closer to campus, there is a cat there and the landlords seem really great, too.

I'm currently sitting on my porch, drinking DiSoronno and smoking something nice while watching the world. I'm right on Madison Avenue and things just happen while I'm on my porch. I think this is honestly the most interesting place I have ever lived (and that includes the half a semester spent in the dorms, which really was just sad). But everything needs to come to an end and other cliched statements to make me feel better.

I'm starting to think that my celebration of the evening may have gone a touch too far. So it's probably time to go to bed.

Getting on that. Good night. 

Choices.

I iz making them. I just got a new job today, selling cutlery to people in their homes. I'm pretty excited about it. Last summer it took a month to get a part-time job. Then I couldn't fine a second job. This summer I have one the day after finals ended. The hours are good (I basically make my own), the pay is great, I love working with people and I get to wear a tie.

The only drawback is that I have to drive to these homes, of course. That is a bit less than ideal for me, as my car is a lease with a limited amount of miles that can go on it. Oh, and I have training on the day of my fruit fly's graduation. That was almost a dealbreaker when I found that out this afternoon, but I'm not so sure now. That's a bit immature of a move. 

Okay, it smells like cat shit where I'm sitting. I'm going to move. 

Done.

So basically, I have to take the job, and I have to do the training. It's too good of an opportunity. I was even thinking of asking if I could do that training on another day, but no. I need the money too badly.  

In other news, good people-watching tonight. I'm seriously thinking about starting a blog about that, but I'm moving out of my apartment soon so we'll have to see how that goes. Actually, you can people watch basically anywhere. I'm high, let's stop talking about this now. :)

Good night, munchkins.

Story.

Today's Conducting final: I got really high before I went in. The professor immediately started telling a story about being caught in a 'stoner moment' by one of his junior high students when he used to smoke every night. (He ended a piece and then just stared for a moment. A girl sitting close to the front asked, "Mr. Johnston, are you having a moment of difficulty with short-term recall?" To which he replied a few seconds later: "...what?") While telling this story, he kept looking at me. Then he talked about jazz conducting. Then we read from the musicianship book. After that, we went to Dunkin Donuts. I never conducted the last piece for a grade, but I'm 99% sure I'm getting an A for it because he forgot. 

How did your finals go?

Madison Avenue

Oh, Mad Ave, I'm leaving you soon. :( This makes me sad. My people watching adventures are going to go downhill. But I think that it will be better overall. Tomorrow I'm going to look at an apartment that's closer to campus, with someone who seems really chill. Thanks, Craigslist.

I know that everyone thinks Craigslist is sketchy, and in some ways it is. But as far as checking out apartments, it's a great site. You can disagree with me all you want. It doesn't matter since I'm right anyway.

Finals are almost done. Only two left and I'm (almost) done for the semester. And on Saturday, I get to play at my ex's graduation. Fucking wooonderful. But it's nice because it's basically the last time I'll ever see him.

God, I'm being so mean lately. Haha I'm so sick of people and they're ways. On a related note, I'm convinced that 90% of my AIM buddy list has Down's Syndrome.

My eye hates me. There is seriously something wrong with it. But I have to keep my contacts in tonight while I play a concert. Then tomorrow, I think I'll wear glasses, which is really lame.

I need a weed connection. Just saying.

So today I started recording a video to do a talking blog. I didn't like it, so I stopped. Now I just don't think I'll do that again. It was awkward. I'm not one of those people.

I think I'll leave work soon. K bye.

Advice for gays: Never mind. Most of you are hopeless.

Drama.

I've had quite enough. There really is no reason for 99% of it. It's pretty rare that I actually speak up about the stupid shit that people do (though I think this is related more to vast amounts of stupid shit than any restraint on my part), but yesterday I had to when this woman parked right in the street on her way out of Bennington College, with me behind her and another car pulling in. I rolled down my window after a minute of her talking the guy in the car behind her, only to be treated as though I was out of line for pointing out that it was, in fact, a travelled lane that she parked in.

That's not even counting the bullshit that took place right after waking up. It's something that I won't get into here, because it involves a soon-to-be-ex roommate. I think I've really just gotten to the point where I refused to be talked down to, disrespected, embarrassed in front of my family and told how the people I live with can solve every problem with the world, even though when they discuss those problems, they prove just how impressively out of touch they are with the people in the world.

That vent aside, I need a new place to live. One that's closer to campus, a bit cheaper, with a non-crazy roommate (this is negotiable) and that I won't have to move out of in December. I'm looking at an apartment Wednesday. The girl living there seems cool, and since she's a girl, I can live with her.

In other whimsical news, I've again lost all interest in any plan I had for when I graduate next year. I think my new plan is to not plan anything for then. I'll probably stay in Albany for a little while and wait things out. It might help me figure out (by then at the age of 28-29) what I want to do with my life. If it turns out that I want to work in a restaurant or deliver newspapers, I'm going to kill myself. I'm not even saying that for shock value or anything. That will basically prove the worth of my life, after spending five years in college for a non-degree only to go back to doing what I did before. (And yes, this is a legitimate fear of mine.)

The good thing is that I do like Albany, though I'm curious about other, larger cities. And I'm still thinking about trying to teach tuba at Castleton, though I'm sure this won't happen. One can dream though, and occasionally, I still allow myself to.

As far as any news of work, family or my love life, there is none that is good, so I'm not including any of it. I will tell you that I just farted, and I'm now concerned about my eating habits. In other news, I'm considering getting high before rehearsals tonight, because it will keep me from smacking this dumb bitch named Amy who runs Trombone Choir.

This is easily my meanest blog post ever. And it needs one more comment.... Ummm, people are too fat. Stop being American and fucking walk!

That is all.

Equation.

I have no idea what that title means. It just popped into my head. 

Someone just drove by my house and slowed way down and looked at me. That was creepy. Maybe this porch isn't the best place to do illegal things at this hour. Or maybe we just need a back porch.

In other unfortunate news regarding my current porch situation, I almost burned my soup. That's right. Before I came outside, I put some soup on the stove, then totally forgot about it until I had been outside for a few minutes. I remembered just at the crucial moment, then dashed in and saved the soup.

Someone just slammed on their brakes at the stop light by my house. 

Maybe I should write a blog about people watching on my porch and everything I see. In a few minutes I could write about the convertible parked in front of the house next door with its top down gets robbed just after its owner  leaves in the passenger seat of another car.

The other night I attempted to boycott a percussionist at my college. I have nothing against her, and we're on very friendly terms. I just thought it would be interesting to try to boycott another human being. Just, you decide there's a boycott and suddenly they no longer exist. You could probably write your congressman and ask that this person be prosecuted for existing.

I just saw two women walking with a young child down the sidewalk. As soon as I looked, the kid tripped and fell. I seriously need to make a new blog about my people watching.

Stay classy, world. Peace out.

Freedom.

It's getting close. I've already established this morning that it smells like barbecue. I'm not really smelling beer or weed, just barbecue, but I'm sure it's involved. For now, I'll settle with my blonde brownie and my history paper.

I've been whining about this paper for quite a while in this blog by now, which is a bit ridiculous. It's only a five page paper. Nothing!! But therein lies the problem: it's only a five page paper. Trying to condense the rather interesting (and long) life of a composer into a five page paper is more difficult than rattling on for twenty. And at first, I was just going on all this great detail, which would be wonderful if I was writing a chapter in a book or a higher level and longer research paper. But when I looked at what I had done, I had at least two pages, and I wasn't even through college yet. This concludes my latest whine about my paper.

I'm getting sick of the segments on CNN where people send in videos of themselves. People shouldn't be allowed to talk publicly. Actually, the lady who was just on was pretty cool. They're talking about the swine flu thing, and she gave a demonstration of using hand sanitizer. What a great idea! A bit sad that people need a demonstration of that, but we'll pretend it's okay.

I've discovered that, counter to logic or intuition, blonde brownies on a really hot day are heavenly. They get all melty. Mmmmmmelty.

I'm not stoned.

Promise.

Often, I tend to be the advice person among my friends. You know, the one that people go to when they need help or a different perspective. This sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm really not. If anything, I'm quite perplexed because I can't even handle my own life. But in this vein, I've been giving a lot of advice to a very close friend who is dating for the first time in years. I find this particularly ironic, because my own love life is in absolute shambles.

Even more ironic, hearing all of this from my friend is getting to me. It makes dating something that I want to try again. This feeling hasn't ever really left, but even the thought of it gets me down. After my last few relationships, I just get sleepy when I think about doing it again. 

It gets just a bit worse when I start to think of what is motivating me to want to date again. It would be nice to think of it as the natural yearning for a partner, but it usually seems like I just crave the security in it. But then, I see the downside of people being secure in their relationships (no explanation is coming) and I wonder if it's maybe a better idea to just wait a bit longer.

I certainly hope you didn't waste too much time reading that.

I think there's more to say about things, but I'm going to call it done for now.

Advice for gays: Choose your battles. Not every tiny offense can honestly be called a major issue. Discrimination in the workplace: fucking huge issue. Don't ask, don't tell: pretty big issue. Marriage equality and adoption rights: big issue. AIDS research and awareness: really big issue. People calling things gay: not an issue. Lyrics in rap music: not an issue. Religions not accepting homosexuality: not an issue and not going to change. Work on the things that we can actually do something about.