Public Service Announcement

Apparently, nobody knows how to drive. So today, I think I'll take a moment and remind people of some important points to keep in mind while controlling a multi-thousand pound metal deathbox:

1. The speed limit, in theory, is the maximum speed allowed by the law, and anything under this speed, in theory, is legal unless otherwise posted. However, in practice, the speed limit acts more as a guideline of the minimum speed, generally with a 5-10 mph buffer above that before you'll get pulled over. With the exception of tractors, people should keep as close to the speed limit as possible, but make sure not to go too far below it. Such a thing is part of overly cautious driving, and generally creates headaches (at best). In other words, driving ten miles per hour below the speed limit is a bad idea. If for no other reason, it will get you a solid ass kicking. By me.

2. The appropriate time to enter a travelled lane of a road is either just after I go past you or before I go past you, but if you choose before, it is very important to keep our collision point in mind. This means that if I'm going 55 in a 55, and you pull out 10 feet in front of me, I have such a short amount of time to stop that I will probably collide with you. Hard. Hard enough to hurt. Perhaps hard enough to fuck your shit up. In other words, don't cut people off. I mentioned 55 as a speed that would not allow me enough time to stop if you pull out too close. At 35, I have a much better chance of stopping without hitting you, but I'll be almost as angry, and I'll still kick your ass.

3. The wheel in the sky keeps on turning. Normally, so do tires. However, the next rubbernecking weasel I see out for a quiet scenic drive when I'm running late for something may be surprised to find their tires suddenly stopping after being shot out by me. I'm buying a gun. Seriously, you people have pushed it too far. In other words, find the balance between looking up, seeing the pretty scenery and watching the road, with watching the road being the Number One priority.

4. Cops have the ability to pull you over at any time, for any offense, even if they are in the middle of a traffic stop already. However, from the other side of the highway, this is difficult. And no cop is paying attention to that. They're trying not to get creamed by the cars driving by at 70 and hoping not to get shot by the driver of the car they've pulled over. Or their dreaming of doughnuts. Either way, they have no idea that you're doing 68 in a 65. Or 99 in a 55. In other words, stop slamming on your brakes just because there is a cop with his lights on in the same county as you.

I hope this has been helpful. Many of you should probably just pretend you have your permit and drive with someone who knows what they're doing for a little while so you can learn how. And with that, good day.

Reaction.

  "I remember when he was black. Then he slowly became white! THEN HE BECAME ASIAN!!!"

-A very distraught friend of my roommate, on speaker phone.

Vegetable.

I'm seriously about to become one. I'm confronting mind-numbing, ass-constipating, coffee-enhancing boredom right now. I'm working at the library, which is usually such a nice part of my day. Today, however, there is nothinggg to do. I'm seriously getting up right now to go to the bathroom just to have something to entertain myself with.

Now I'm back from the bathroom. Shocker, but no new lending or borrowing requests have come in. Since most people couldn't imagine my superior job duties, I'll clarify: I still have nothing to do. Grrrface.

So Manhattan needs to happen. Not permanently (yet); I just need a visit. Just a weekend in my favorite American city. (Because let's face it, no other American city touches New York.)

OMG A BOOK CAME IN!! I AM NOW BLESSED WITH A TASK TO GIVE MY LIFE MEANING!! BRB!!!

So my boss has this OCD tick. On the program we use at work, you can refresh the screen to either see the next step in whatever process you're working on or new requests that are coming in. Now, it makes sense if you haven't done so in a while and you want to see new requests. But she refreshes after literally everything she does.

OCD ticks are something I'm very familiar with. I have many. But she makes everyone else do this, too. During the summer we're working on updating our instruction sheets and she actually adds into the instruction sheets every time she refreshes. It's part micromanagement, part dossier on her compulsion. And it's all wonderful. To be fair, that is the only example of micromanagement here, but it's a powerful one.

I just updated an address and the contact person's last name is Real. That guy gets so much ass due to that one fact.

I think that my summer policy of consuming to excess is going to catch up with me at some point. I'll let you know how that goes if I survive.

Have a good dayyy!

Advice for gays: If you are honestly, truly looking for a deep and committed relationship with an intelligent and caring person, try going to church instead of to bars. Or go to a community center. But no bars, no clubs and absolutely no Manhunt. [Note: This wouldn't change anything in the gay community. The bars will be just as full. Very few gays are really looking for that.]

U-Haul

Next year I may need a large one. Or an apartment full of new furniture. Because I'm moving, baby!

Or at least I think I am. I've gone beyond acceptable levels of crazy and something needs to change. Well okay, everything needs to change. And I think my behavior on almost every day of this past weekend proves my point. And no, I am not telling the stories from it here. They're too embarrassing even for my blog, which in a perfect world would be my greatest embarrassment.

Again I'd like to state that I really do like Albany. It's an interesting and attractive little city with a decent nightlife, some awesome people and great shopping. It has some diversity and overall is just an enjoyable place if you're not stuck up about where you live and choose to actually experience it instead of complaining about the fact that it's not Manhattan.

But I need some pretty astonishing change. Next year I graduate after five unfortunate years of college and I need to get away...far. I don't want to live in a place that's too familiar. And while it'd be nice to go with someone else, I couldn't in good conscience drag anyone along for this ride.

So my list of preferred cities (in order):

Manhattan (not Brooklyn, I'm going all in)
San Francisco
Portland, OR
Austin, TX
Toronto

All of these cities have my basic needs: lots of skyscrapers, environmentally friendly/mass transit and eclectic mixes of people. (If one of these doesn't fit your definition of any of those factors, I don't want to hear about it. This is my list.)

So we'll see. All I have left to do is find a job in one of these places, find an acceptable (i.e. nearly impossible) living situation, secure funding and all the rest of the stuff I forget every time I move.

I'll keep you posted. And if anyone out of the 3 of you know of any other awesome cities out there, let me know.

Advice for gays: Faux means fake, not awesome. This is an especially useful principle when the word 'hawk' follows the word 'faux'. And nothing against my heavier boys out there, but your weight is inversely proportional to the awesomeness of your faux hawk. It's just like not being able to wear aviators if your face doesn't work for it. There's nothing you can do, so comb it down and get some chin straps instead.

Sickness.

I haz it. I think I have either a bug or food poisoning. I really hope it's food poisoning because I kissed a boy and I liked it and I'm not all about passing on these kind of things. Plus, it will help with my 'I so very rarely get sick' routine. My throat is sore (which is usually just from lack of sleep, so I'm sticking with that), my whole body aches and I spent all morning voming every hour. And no, it's not fucking swine flu!

Rice Krispies are the only thing I eat when I'm sick. No toast, definitely no soup, just crispy bits of love and awesomeness wrapped in a cocoon of milk and just a bit more love. 

I'm addicted to Weeds. Not the substance, the TV show. Well yeah, the substance too. But seriously it's amazing and if you haven't seen it, you need to. And yesssss I know it's on its fifth season, but for real.

I have to work tomorrow so I better be healthy by then or it's your fault.

Grr.

>:-(

Impatience.

And hunger. The two reasons that this fucking document needs to get here. So this local university likes to say it's sent documents to other libraries (like the one I'm working in) before it actually has. This makes its turnover rate for lending seem very good. So the person waiting for the article has already called today. Then the university was supposed to be scanning it in and sending it right to us. This was an hour ago.

All I want to do is get some food. Seriously, is it too much to ask people to do their jobs so I can eat? Another thing, if this article is that crucial, why not drive the 5 miles to this university and copy the article?

Wow, was that what it took? Did I just totally stop caring about this customer? Am I getting food? I think after a few more minutes of finishing up the other tasks I have, the answer will be yes.

That's called decision making.

Advice for gays: To be blunt (and somewhat vulgar), you have two heads. Both are capable of controlling your actions. One head is much bigger than the other (don't lie, you know it is) and contains a fully formed brain, rather than glans and libido. This is the brain that you should use most of the time. Or, at the very least, before letting the little head do the thinking, you should consult the larger one. Just a thought, try it out.

Neighborhood Watch

I was just sitting on the balcony outside my bedroom in my new apartment, doing things that my landlord probably wouldn't approve of. Apparently she was across the street at another house she owns with her husband. As she walked back over, she waved and told me how much she liked the blue icicle Christmas lights that I hung around the ceiling somewhere around June 3rd.

Then I went back inside and I my apartment is amazing and has a freaking incredible roommate with an adorable cat. 

And it was so.

Evolution

I just updated my Facebook status twice. The first time was "Jay wants pizza". The second was "Jay is giving in. Hello, pizza." I got three 'likes' (which is Facebook speak for people who indicate that they 'like' your status) in all: two for the first one and one for the second. So more people commented their appreciation that I wanted the pizza than that I actually got it. I think this is a sign that Americans are beginning to appreciate restraint.

Yes, that's right. I wasted this whole post on wishful thinking.

Profundity

"Human life is basically defined by the stupid shit we do." A very wise person once said this. Me.

When you think about it, it's kind of true though. If you are a successful Wall Street broker, things are fine. You're making money, calling shots, kicking ass and taking names. Until you contribute to a worldwide recession. Then, suddenly, that's all anyone remembers.

If a priest gets caught in a molestation scandal, all of the great things he's done as a priest are irrelevant. No one cares anymore. All they know is the scandal.

Has it always been like this? Even after Napoleon's defeat, tyrannical approach and aspirations to empire, he was still hailed as a hero throughout Europe. Do you need to be at Napoleon's level to do that?

This works for all of us, in the eyes of basically anyone. There is someone from my home town to won't allow anything nice to be said about anyone who has wronged her. "Um, no, did you hear what [this person] fucking did to me?" (How familiar is that question? Ugh!) But it doesn't just apply to these little bitch fits, it applies to everything. So I'm thinking that may be a good definition for unconditional love: If you can see past these faults in a person, if they can do nothing to change how they look in your eyes, maybe you've found it.

This is what I think about when I'm at work.